It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
