Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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