My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
