I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
