I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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