Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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