What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Pooping to opera.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
