My first STD was from a foam party
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
