Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
