the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
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He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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