I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
