i wish my penis had a tongue
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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