I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
