Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
