The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
