She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
