Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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