A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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