So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
