Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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