Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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