I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Can I color on your dick again?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
