I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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