see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
