so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
