watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
my shit smells like andre
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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