I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
