I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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