I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
