i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
