I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
