Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
