i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
