Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
