I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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