And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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