tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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