Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
