I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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