I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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