you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
