I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
