You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
