i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?