Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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