When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize