I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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