she was so not down for the gang bang
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
