So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
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my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
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Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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