cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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