This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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