The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
