Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
