I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
