the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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