Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
